It's been far too long since I've done an entry. I do miss it. Writing these blog entries is a huge source of stress relief for me and one of my best coping mechanisms. So today's post is going to be just alot of updates, rants, raves and worries and i'm going to do my best to include some positives too.
My "miracle" seems to be nothing but a scam. Still not sure how i feel about the term "scam" but the end result is that it hasn't happened nor do i continue to believe it ever will. I've accepted the fact that DJ won't be home till 9/9/13 and I'm continuing to re-accept the life we face when he does come home. This "miracle" has cost me more money, heartache, mental anguish, my job, my car and almost causing me to lose DJ. I focused way too much on a crap shoot and should have known "if it seems to good to be true, it probably is". It's been a hard lesson learned and has caused me to pretty much lose faith in humanity. A person I thought was my friend and believed she was doing something amazing for me has turned out to be someone i can't count on for anything and while i take responsibility for my actions, my actions were based off her promises and she has done nothing she said she would do. I've contemplated blowing her world apart but i am not sure i can do that. I don't want to be the spiteful, vengeful person i despise other people for being. Although I don't want her to be able to do this to others, I have no "proof" of anything so at this point I believe it's best to just ignore her as much as possible. I'm moving on with my life and no longer letting her control me like she has been. Up until now I've been her little puppet, at her beck and call and completely dependent on her. NO MORE!!! I'm taking charge of MY LIFE!! I'm finding a job, gonna go to school for something and gonna be ME (as soon as i figure out who ME is) and i'm gonna get my life together.
Yesterday's visit with DJ was a very emotional one. I almost ended things with him. As painful as that was, it also allowed me to really express my thoughts and feelings and i think he understood. I expressed my needs and fears and i THINK i may have gotten through to him. Only time will tell. We agreed we both love each other more than ever and we want to make this work and we both have issues we need to address and work on.
In the past 2 weeks i've given up on my miracle, my dad had a heart attack, i was ambushed and betrayed by my parents regarding my oldest son who left to go live with my sister whom i don't really get along with, there has been no $ on the phone (a relief in some ways which just causes me to feel guilty), I've lost my car and am dependent on others; i have been job hunting like crazy but am so unsure of my future. i'm facing a choice as to whether or not to take drugs for depression/anxiety and I feel as though my world has crashed around me. The ONE man i want to turn to, i can't.
****trying to look at the bright side: time is passing and as of today we have 369 days left, just over a year!
****another bright spot: throughout this ordeal i've made some amazing friends!!! i have to say thank you to all my new friends (and some of my old ones) who listen to me whine, cry and pout. your strength, courage, wisdom and compassion for me amazes me and I THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. There are far too many of you to name but i hope you know who you are. I love you all and am so thankful for each of you.
There is so much more i could rant and rave about but i'll spare you all. It's storming here now and I'm going to cuddle up with his pillow and hope to feel him. I miss him sooooo damn much. He didn't call this morning and that worries me as he always tries to call even if there is no $ on the phone. i know if he tries he's ok and he knows if i try to accept the call i'm ok. i'm trying not to panic as i know they aren't on lockdown so i'm hoping his not calling just means he was shopping. I hate not knowing anything. That's one of the worst parts of all of this. I have no access to him or to even know if he's ok. I have to wait for his calls. I can't check on him, I can't see him or talk to him anytime. Not knowing and not having access is the worst feeling in the world and I have to find ways to keep my imagination from running wild.